she is the female version of PC from the mac and pc commercials..i'll still hit tho
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
Randomize