in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
u downloaded tardy 4 the party
then u started screaming about not wanting nene on the record
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
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