My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
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