Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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