dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
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My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
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I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
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