I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
Randomize
