The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
