you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
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