Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
just passed my midterm while getting a blow job. i love going to school online
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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