I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
I researched the whole pregnancy breast feeding with piercings. I think you dont have to worry about the trifecta milk spraying thing.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Randomize
