i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Randomize
