Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize
