Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
Randomize
