So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Randomize
