I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Randomize
