I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
