oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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