he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
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