fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
Randomize
