sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Randomize
