you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
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