my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Randomize
