worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
