I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
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