you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
