sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
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