Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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