Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Randomize