I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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