I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Randomize
