No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
