dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
well i did feel guilty about it. until i saw how hot the guy was the next day. now, nothing but pride.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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