i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
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