It's like a parade of train wrecks.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Randomize
