Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
