Wooohooo! I'm sitting in the car like a creep watching people walk in and out of Blush. Lots of happy people.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
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