I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Randomize
