you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
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Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
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But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
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