I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
