So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
Can you bring me the toilet please
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
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