I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
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