Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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