I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Randomize
