Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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