One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
Five girls, one freshman pledge. We're like our own Make A Wish Foundation.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
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