i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
