i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
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