Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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