I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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