he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
Randomize
