so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
