1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
