I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
Randomize