you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
Randomize
