im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
Randomize
