I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
We're too hungover to prance.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
Randomize
